Change

No. I haven't been blogging.

I've been changing. Deep, inner change. That hurts. And grows you. And transforms a person into something bigger than they ever thought they could be or would be.

Change that no one else will probably ever notice. Or even understand. Change that makes you realize how older people become wiser. Why young people are often seen as immature. And why arrogant people are really annoying.

Change that makes you look at yourself a year ago and marvel that life was ever that easy. That calm. That carefree. That in all honesty, you were once that young, immature, arrogant person. Change that impacts you so deeply that you don't hesitate to admit that there are still so many areas of your life that could still be seen as young, immature and arrogant. And you're okay with that because you know you have so much left to change and improve.

As the process of change impacts every aspect of your life, you realize that the filter between your heart and your mouth must be very thick in order to maintain dignity and a decent reputation. Not much can be said while a person is changing unless they want to take back or re correct premature decisions or misapplied passion. Your survival depends on how clamped tight your mouth is. And so are your fingers, as in the case of this long neglected blog.

During gut wrenching change, you trust no one. Not even yourself. All your thoughts and energy pool together in a deep place and you're forced to shut everything out so you can get to the core of who you are and what you're made of. And you ask yourself hard questions. Lots of hard questions. Like, "Can I even trust God?"

And then there's relationships. Humans are very people oriented so anywhere we are in life, there are relationships connected to us. They effect us more than we think and we unconsciously derive a source of confidence and assurance from each individual healthy relationship we have, to one degree or another. Relationships either encourage us or discourage us. They either replenish our energy or waste it.

When you have an encouraging relationship that suddenly turns discouraging, it is shocking to see how the unconditional understanding that used to be present in their involvement with you quickly changes to a level of disappointment in you that is far greater than you ever imagined. It hurts to be crushed by someone who you thought knew your heart and supported you as a person. When what they really think is revealed, it comes as a blow to your life because the one source of strength you thought you had, is gone. When this happens, it makes you step back and simply stop. Stop everything. Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Except think and think and think and try to rationalize the imagined care behind the scrutiny and assumption.

And then, because having had the layers of your heart ripped off to such a degree, you can only move on which means you can only change.

And not that you move on away from that person but you move on in your heart. You accept the differences and you move on with that relationship still existing in your life. Of course the relationship changes but in the process, you change because there's no way to face all that without becoming a changed person. The choice is to either grow bitter (which is a type of change if you're not naturally a bitter person) or to grow wiser (which is a type of change if you're not naturally the smartest person on earth.)

This incident works in your favor as an opportunity of revealing your heart, your intentions and who you really are. Accepting what you find is followed with healing from the hurt which brings another step in the process of change. Change that makes you look back over the last several months and realize that if you would've known you'd be where you're at today, you would've never agreed to go along the journey. You would've canceled the trip and given your ticket to someone else. Someone bigger and stronger than you. Someone that could handle it better than you.

In truth, you realize that sometimes the biggest battle you face is yourself. The loudest voice you hear all day is your heart screaming, "Stop! You can't do this! Give up." But with giving up comes no relief. Only deeper misery. And you know that so you trudge on.

And you trudge. And you trudge. And you keep trudging. Right in circles gaining nothing but more problems.

Health issues, unexpected surgery, a young loved one fighting cancer and other Visible To The Public trials come into your life. People look on and sympathize and care for the obvious-to-them heartache you face, never realizing that the pain in your heart is much bigger than the incision in your abdomen where a malfunctioning organ was pulled through just days earlier. That the details of the loved one facing cancer only adds to the heavy ache that is already on your heart. 

Change that is necessary for growth often does not feel healthy at the moment. Like a fruit tree being mutilated by a pruning tool, so does a heart appear in the midst of change. To result in a productive yield, a branch must be relieved of any nutrient-sucking bud that will provide no lasting positive impact on the tree or the yield of fruit.

And so is a person who is changing and growing. All the energy and nutrition meant for growth, must absorb deeply into the soul where the roots are finding deeper knowledge and understanding.

Discouragement and depression are constant companions threatening to take over your heart. And not just "oh I sure had a bad day" depression but deep, numbing, exhausting, caves of depression that you can't find the light of day to crawl out of.

Until one day, you look in the mirror and say, "I'm bigger than this. I have what it takes to fight this. I'm not a quitter. I'm not letting go. I am the change I want to see in my life." And you start right there. With the first person you see, as your eyes connect with themselves in the mirror. And at that moment, the change is complete.

Each challenge that comes after accepting change, is only a foothold that puts you on a higher level. And you embrace the fact that going higher only means it gets harder. But you plunge yourself into the trek, reaching and climbing and grasping for the next level. The next height. The next proof that you're changed.

Your mantra is "I can do this" even if by "doing this" you're simply setting the goal to get through today. To wake up to a tomorrow. To feel comfort in the fog because you know to think clearly would be too harsh of a reality to accept.

And slowly you start to notice the impact the change has made on you as a person. You realize that you're a bigger person. That you believe God not just because you were told to but because at the end of yourself you found He was there. He was the inner Guide and safe Wall encasing your purpose in living. That faith is not just a nice word. That hope is not just an illusion. That trust is not just an idea.

God, faith, hope and trust have become who you are. And you can choose joy because you know that to wait for a blissful happiness, will take an eternity and life is too short to wait for good things to come.

And then you find that you can and will enJOY life fully.

Because Jesus said He brings life, which in and of itself is more than enough, but He goes beyond the necessary and brings abundant life.

To know this is one thing; to live it is another. And trust me: there's a huge difference.

The bottom line is life is confusing, change is hard, growth is painful but people who impact their world do not do it while having an easy life. And the hardships in life do not reflect the proof that you've arrived at a destination; they're only the manifestation that life is a journey. The pain, the suffering, the hurt, the confusion are part of the journey. You don't stay in all that; you move on. You move up. You move forward. You move backward sometimes, yes, but the point is: you don't stay... you MOVE.

You change. You grow. And it's a good thing.