On Husbands, Trash Cans And How To Handle Both

I used to read all the time. But I don't anymore. Something about getting married and having kids just kind of effected the book reading area of my life.

Unless it's a stop-you-dead-in-your-tracks kind of book. Those kinds of books are scary though. They cause my children to go hungry, my husband to be lonely and my house to fall apart. As if I don't have enough reasons not to do laundry, reading a stop-you-dead-in-your-tracks kind of book makes my wash machine go completely dry. And my dryer to not produce lint. I end up having to run to Walmart to buy another hamper just so my dirty laundry is at least contained.

Yeah. It's pathetic.

But now you see why I never read anymore.

Except for stop-you-dead-in-your-tracks kind of books. Did I mention the staying-up-till-3-in-the-morning-because-I-can't-put-the-book-down weakness I have? So not only does my husband feel lonely and my children starve and my laundry starts growing mold, but I also end up losing precious hours of sleep over the kinds of books I read.

Which is exactly what happened several weeks ago.

You see, I'm the kind of person who is human. I make mistakes. I have regrets. And I get irritated by things. The worst part about that is I get irritated the most by those closest to me.

Bottom line: I get irritated by my husband.

(gasp!)

For instance, if the trash can is full in the kitchen, and there's a pile of trash bags by the front door waiting to go out. And the garage is full of trash. And all our trash cans are overflowing with trash, and The Qualified Person intended for the trash job is not doing his job, I get really irritated.

I get so irritated that I threaten to sign up for normal garbage service. (Having our own business gives us the luxury of "free" garbage pick up but unfortunately, the garbage "pick up" doesn't happen according to my schedule. I guess you pay for what you get.)

I will admit, I did slightly exaggerate the above trash topic but only because I'm ashamed to say that I get irritated over garbage. GARBAGE!

Okay. I'll say it like it really is: I get irritated at my husband because he doesn't take out the trash.

I know. Silly, right?


And then I read the book, Why I Stayed and it stopped me right in my tracks.

I'm a wife so obviously, I know how irritating men can be. And I know how irritated wives can get at their irritating husbands. And then I think of all the irritating things husbands do (or don't do) that really irritate their irritated wives.

What about an insensitive husband who doesn't pick up on his wife's latest mood. Or the husband who plays computer games in all his spare time. Or the husband who spends too much money. Or spends time with his buddies. Or has time consuming hobbies. Or is a workaholic. Or the husband who doesn't meet his wife's "needs"... whatever those might be.

The list goes on and on. We all have our "My Husband Is A Jerk Because..." blank to fill.

Or do we really?

After reading this book, I began asking myself if I would stand behind my husband if he was caught in a horrible act of adultery with another man. Having an affair with a woman would be bad enough, but a man?

Would I respect and honor him despite the shame and reproach he brought on not only himself but myself and our children as well?

Would I hold it against him that he put my health at risk by involving himself sexually with another person which posed a huge threat to not only himself but to me as well?

Would I love my husband if what he did forced me out of my home, our entire circle of friends and everything I had known for 22 years?

Would I trust my husband if what he did violated God's law?

Would I be angry if everything I had helped my husband work for was washed down the drain in a split second because of a stupid, stupid choice he made?

Would I look up to a man who blatantly lied to cover his sin?

Would I share a bed with a man like this?

Would I stay with a man like this?

And would I be the only anchor, the only ally and the only friend to a man who's actions made me the greatest victim?

Back in 2006 when Ted Haggard's actions were revealed and the atrocious acts of scandalous homosexual adultery was broad casted to the whole world, I wondered how his wife, Gayle, was handling it. You know, really handling it. This was news to her as much as it was to everyone else. We were shocked. But as shocked as we were, she had to be even more shocked.

I kept up to date as their story unfolded. The immediate Sunday following the disclosure of her husband's actions with a male prostitute, she wrote a sweet, perfect, well written letter to their church of 14,000 people. It spelled out the most concise, heartfelt support of a very idealistic wife. I knew either someone else wrote the letter and she signed her name to it or she wrote it because it was how she wanted to feel but wasn't actually what she really felt at the time. I knew she'd come to her senses and leave the man who hurt her so bad. Seriously: he had sex with a male prostitute. What wife stays with a man who does that?!

The next few years, I tried to follow their story. But there was nothing; the Haggards were completely gone. Nothing on the internet indicated how they were doing, if Gayle stayed and if Ted repented. For all the publicity at the beginning of all this, it seemed strange they were gone.

Eventually, I quit looking them up. Until this last June when I found Gayle's book. And I knew it was my kind of book. I had to read it.

Why I Stayed is summed up in a quote from the book:

"So how did I get through those darkest hours in my marriage and family? I made a simple choice--to love. To cling rather than separate. To bring everything out into the open, as opposed to remaining sheltered. And I remembered something I'd learned long before: Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice--a choice we make every day, sometimes every hour." Excerpt from the book ~Why I Stayed~ by Gayle Haggard

If I get irritated at my husband over the fact he doesn't take the garbage out and feel I'm justified by belittling his actions in not handling the trash the way I'd like him to, how could I ever handle anything worse than that in my marriage?

Two days and 368 pages later, this book changed the way I view my marriage.

And my kitchen trash can.