Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Moms And Toilets

Wireless technology is a completely phenomenal invention. It's revamped the entire world of technology and brought it to a whole new level. Bottom line, it hasn't just revamped the world of technology; its changed the entire world. Like, the actually globe/earth/universe thingy.

It keeps improving with time too. Connections are getting stronger, information and data is transferring faster and gadgets and machines are getting smaller and more accessible.

And all without wires. It's like a if-you-can-imagine-it-it-already-happened miracle taking place all over your home, your car, your work place, your world, the world, everywhere, etc.

But unlike cellphones and computers and iPods and other such electronic devices, there's another superb wireless invention far exceeding every contemporary invention accommodating wireless technology known to mankind.

The wireless signals it sends out are similar to a blazing SOS signal off the east coast that's directly sent to the New York Police Department office building, but no one can see it with a naked eye. It's like a silent fire alarm that's just as effective as any ear piercing alarm. It's like an alarm clock that goes off in your ear and hitting snooze only makes it louder. It's like a loud cry for help, right outside your bedroom window at 3 o'clock in the morning. It's like an annoying telephone that rings constantly with no voice mail. It's like a school bell going off but it doesn't stop so you can enjoy recess without a screaming alarm blasting your playground. It's like the panic button on your key pad for your car but there's no way to trace the sound because it's all between your ears.

This special wireless signal is set at the highest form of intricate communication and is more lock tight than the CIA's codes. The Secret Service has nothing on this. It's password protected with an unlock able code and all of mankind could not break the code and reroute the signal even if every ounce of gold and energy was put into the research for this development. This is stealth to a whole new level.

If you doubt my analysis here, just try being a mom who uses the bathroom for 27 seconds. You'll become very familiar with this amazing Super-Micro Wireless Signal system connected to your toilet.

As soon as your fanny hits the seat, a loud and obnoxious alarm will go off somewhere inside your children's heads. Then, the entire household is put on "Disengage and Destroy Now" mode.

 Problems, kids, injuries, questions, phone calls. bored kids and fights will come out of no where as soon as you sit down on what you think is just a boring white toilet. When nature calls, so does the wireless system on your toilet.

It screams, "Quick kids! Run to the bathroom door! Pound on it like you're locked in a cage! Fight with your brother and annoy your sister! Push the baby over and start shoving stuff under the door! Quick! Before your mom comes out! Be louder! Fight meaner! You're starving; beg for food! You're going to die if you don't get your mom out of that bathroom now!"

And so the kids come running and pounding and screaming in a panic. "MOM! What are you doing in there? How long will you be? What's taking so long? Is it number one or number two or number one and number two? Are you done yet? Seriously, what are you doing in there?"

Really. You'd think I just booked a ticket to the North Pole and told everyone I was going to wear my bathing suit the whole time. "No need to panic folks; I'm just in the bathroom doing what normal people do in the bathroom. It's called "peeing." Ever heard of peeing? In privacy? Which is why I'm here and you're out there because this is just what normal people do, right? Please, for 27 seconds, I'll be in here and when I'm done, there's only one way out of here which will be right out to where you guys are. It's not like I'm sneaking out of the house in here or anything. So let me pee and I'll be right out."

To answer all their questions takes longer than 27 seconds to answer. They have yet to know that if they'd just leave their mom alone, she could be out faster. In say, like, 26 seconds.

Never underestimate what will appear under the bathroom door in the midst of their interrogation. Notes, wrapped candy, pictures, locked iPads, markers, mail, money, food, fingers and toes, just to name a few, are liable to make their way under the bathroom door. Secret passage ways open up when this wireless connection is activated and things that normally couldn't fit in such a small area, will easily fit under the bathroom door as long as a mother is on the toilet.

And oh. my. gosh. if you ever wondered if your kids could sit still in one spot for very long, just go to the bathroom. They will plant themselves on the other side of the door and just sit there. And sit there. Quietly. Except when they're injecting notes of complaints involving how bored they are, how  mean their brother is, how sad the baby is in the other room, how they're pretty sure the phone is ringing and could they please go to the park now.

And then after they've given you a run down of everything happening in your 27 second absence, they continue to sit there. And all you hear is them breathing, and you wish they'd just stop breathing but then you realize that wouldn't be good either so you don't say anything about them breathing and you keep hearing dramatic exhales and inhales which is really annoying because you wonder why they're just sitting there, of all places in the universe to be sitting. Like really? You think I'm going to perform this whole bathroom process faster if you're sitting by the bathroom door making sure I can hear you breathing while you just sit there for the sake of sitting there? Go play with a toy like a normal kid or lay in your bed or sit on the couch or do something but forcryingoutloud get away from the bathroom door for 27 seconds and for Pete's sakes, STOP BREATHING!

Corresponding peaceable with your children on the other side of the bathroom door will not relieve the situation either. Simply put, the longer you stay on the toilet side of the bathroom door, the worse it gets on the other side of the bathroom door. The distress signal just gets louder over the wireless connection and prompts your kids to propel into a higher form of disaster. The only thing that will calm the situation and stop the signal is to complete a simple 3 step process. Which is as follows:

1 -- Flush the toilet (it sends another signal to your kids that you have just began The 3 Step Process Of Leaving The Bathroom. Usually, they get really quiet at this point.)
2 -- Open the door (be cautious of an impending stampede, depending on how many of your kids are leaning on the door.)
3 -- Leave the bathroom (basically, as fast as you can. Without stepping on small children or tripping over objects that were shoved under the bathroom door in your 27 second visit to the toilet.)

The more space you put between yourself and the toilet, the quieter the signal will become which in turn creates quieter kids. Suddenly, all will be at peace in your world and just as fast as the drama began, it stops. All at once. Right then. At that exact moment. That you walk out the bathroom door.

It's like blowing a candle out. Poof. The chaos is gone. Completely.

No one's starving anymore. No one got hit by their brother. The baby is fine. No body is dying. And absolutely not one person is bored.

They're all happy and playful and enjoying the day and doing normal kid stuff. Like playing with toys and breathing normal again.

But if you were to turn around and go back in and sit on the toilet, all the problems will come back, like, right now. So stay out of the bathroom. Control that urge to go! Keep your hands off the bathroom lock. Avoid the temptation of solitude. And just learn to stop peeing already.

Statistics show that it's more common for women to get UTI's than it is for men. Clearly, we all understand why that is now. The truth is, if this wireless connection could be disabled, Moms everywhere would be relieved (in more ways than one).

If moms could pee in peace, universally we'd see health care costs would go down, health in general would go up, and all would be well in the world, like the actually world/earth thingy. Peece on earth has to start somewhere and by golly, I think it starts in the bathroom because legend has it research shows that, "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

Seriously, you try going to the bathroom for 27 seconds while listening to a small person breathing and fighting and starving right outside your bathroom door and let's see how happy you'd be. And if you don't want to go through all that, just get a bladder infection instead.

It's a lose lose situation, no matter how you look at it.

Super Easy Faux Roman Shade Curtain

 So I had this window in our new master bathroom. All 24" x 20" of it was just there. With nothing on it. Poor, cute little window.

One day, I collected a rod, clip-on curtain hooks, fabric and my imagination.

And I went to work.

If you were going to make this curtain and also had a 24"x20" window, you would need:

One rod
Clip on curtain hooks
One yard of fabric
One yard of another fabric
Ribbon (not pictured, yet)

 Then, I figured out which fabric I wanted to be the most predominate and folded that as pictured above. The other fabric that would be in the back of the curtain, I left as it had come off the bolt at the fabric store. (pictured above)

 Then I cut off the excess of the top fabric so it was even on both ends, as pictured above. All four layers at the top edge are lined up. The yellow fabric is never cut and the only salvage I had from this project was about 8" off the end of the printed gray fabric.

 Hem the edges on the ends of both fabrics. As shown above and below.

 After taking 27 hours way too long to figure out how to use my rolled hem foot, I finally gave up and just stuck the fabric in and started sewing. Voila. It just did what it was supposed to, as shown above.

 Then I found some complimenting ribbon and pinned it to the top fabric, 8" over from the hemmed edge.

 Repeat on the other side. Cut ribbon length to hang approximately 8" longer than the hem of the printed gray fabric.

 

Sew two gather stitches down the ribbon.

 Gather fabric to 12" on both sides, as shown above. The shorter you gather, the more the back fabric will show in the end result. Gather more or less, according to preference.

 Sew gathers in place, once down the middle (right between the gather stitches) and then one seam on each side of the gather stitches.

 When you finish, there should be three rows of stitches down the center of the ribbon. Pull gather stitches out.

 Cut two more lengths of ribbon approximately the same length as the first ribbon you sewed on. These strands will attach to the curtain as shown above but will hang down the back of the curtain when finished, or will hang down the front and tie into a bow/knot with the ends of the gathered ribbon. (depending on how you use the curtain... I'll show you what I mean in a second.)

 Turn bottom (yellow) fabric inside out and match hemmed edges. Lay printed gray fabric inside the yellow fabric, matching hemmed edges on both sides and lining up the raw edge on top. Right sides should be together. Sew across the top edge of entire curtain, creating a tube with a fold on bottom edge, seam on top edge and opened on both ends.

 Like this.

 A peak inside before turning right sides out.

The raw edge is sewn inside the top seam on the curtain and the curtain is now finished.

 Place curtain hooks evenly apart and clip on to curtain.

 Put the hooks onto the rod and then hang rod and curtain. Above shows the curtain with the loose ribbon pulled to the front and tied in a knot, allowing the back fabric to hang down and cover entire window.

 Here, the curtain is tied up, allowing light in. The loose ribbon was hung over the back of the curtain and then I tied the ends of the ribbons up into a bow, gathering the curtain up to whatever length I wanted.

 Please note, a piece of card board is covering the window so I could take this picture without having an explosion of light. The entire sunset on the west coast was blazing into the window creating what looked like an inferno in my bathroom. Thus the make shift cardboard.

Close up.

Super easy curtain that doubles as a complete window covering by offering privacy and an attractive window treatment all-in-one. Just untie the ribbon to drop the back layer down for privacy and then tie it up when you want the sunlight to come in. It's all in how you use the ribbon. :)

Change

No. I haven't been blogging.

I've been changing. Deep, inner change. That hurts. And grows you. And transforms a person into something bigger than they ever thought they could be or would be.

Change that no one else will probably ever notice. Or even understand. Change that makes you realize how older people become wiser. Why young people are often seen as immature. And why arrogant people are really annoying.

Change that makes you look at yourself a year ago and marvel that life was ever that easy. That calm. That carefree. That in all honesty, you were once that young, immature, arrogant person. Change that impacts you so deeply that you don't hesitate to admit that there are still so many areas of your life that could still be seen as young, immature and arrogant. And you're okay with that because you know you have so much left to change and improve.

As the process of change impacts every aspect of your life, you realize that the filter between your heart and your mouth must be very thick in order to maintain dignity and a decent reputation. Not much can be said while a person is changing unless they want to take back or re correct premature decisions or misapplied passion. Your survival depends on how clamped tight your mouth is. And so are your fingers, as in the case of this long neglected blog.

During gut wrenching change, you trust no one. Not even yourself. All your thoughts and energy pool together in a deep place and you're forced to shut everything out so you can get to the core of who you are and what you're made of. And you ask yourself hard questions. Lots of hard questions. Like, "Can I even trust God?"

And then there's relationships. Humans are very people oriented so anywhere we are in life, there are relationships connected to us. They effect us more than we think and we unconsciously derive a source of confidence and assurance from each individual healthy relationship we have, to one degree or another. Relationships either encourage us or discourage us. They either replenish our energy or waste it.

When you have an encouraging relationship that suddenly turns discouraging, it is shocking to see how the unconditional understanding that used to be present in their involvement with you quickly changes to a level of disappointment in you that is far greater than you ever imagined. It hurts to be crushed by someone who you thought knew your heart and supported you as a person. When what they really think is revealed, it comes as a blow to your life because the one source of strength you thought you had, is gone. When this happens, it makes you step back and simply stop. Stop everything. Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Except think and think and think and try to rationalize the imagined care behind the scrutiny and assumption.

And then, because having had the layers of your heart ripped off to such a degree, you can only move on which means you can only change.

And not that you move on away from that person but you move on in your heart. You accept the differences and you move on with that relationship still existing in your life. Of course the relationship changes but in the process, you change because there's no way to face all that without becoming a changed person. The choice is to either grow bitter (which is a type of change if you're not naturally a bitter person) or to grow wiser (which is a type of change if you're not naturally the smartest person on earth.)

This incident works in your favor as an opportunity of revealing your heart, your intentions and who you really are. Accepting what you find is followed with healing from the hurt which brings another step in the process of change. Change that makes you look back over the last several months and realize that if you would've known you'd be where you're at today, you would've never agreed to go along the journey. You would've canceled the trip and given your ticket to someone else. Someone bigger and stronger than you. Someone that could handle it better than you.

In truth, you realize that sometimes the biggest battle you face is yourself. The loudest voice you hear all day is your heart screaming, "Stop! You can't do this! Give up." But with giving up comes no relief. Only deeper misery. And you know that so you trudge on.

And you trudge. And you trudge. And you keep trudging. Right in circles gaining nothing but more problems.

Health issues, unexpected surgery, a young loved one fighting cancer and other Visible To The Public trials come into your life. People look on and sympathize and care for the obvious-to-them heartache you face, never realizing that the pain in your heart is much bigger than the incision in your abdomen where a malfunctioning organ was pulled through just days earlier. That the details of the loved one facing cancer only adds to the heavy ache that is already on your heart. 

Change that is necessary for growth often does not feel healthy at the moment. Like a fruit tree being mutilated by a pruning tool, so does a heart appear in the midst of change. To result in a productive yield, a branch must be relieved of any nutrient-sucking bud that will provide no lasting positive impact on the tree or the yield of fruit.

And so is a person who is changing and growing. All the energy and nutrition meant for growth, must absorb deeply into the soul where the roots are finding deeper knowledge and understanding.

Discouragement and depression are constant companions threatening to take over your heart. And not just "oh I sure had a bad day" depression but deep, numbing, exhausting, caves of depression that you can't find the light of day to crawl out of.

Until one day, you look in the mirror and say, "I'm bigger than this. I have what it takes to fight this. I'm not a quitter. I'm not letting go. I am the change I want to see in my life." And you start right there. With the first person you see, as your eyes connect with themselves in the mirror. And at that moment, the change is complete.

Each challenge that comes after accepting change, is only a foothold that puts you on a higher level. And you embrace the fact that going higher only means it gets harder. But you plunge yourself into the trek, reaching and climbing and grasping for the next level. The next height. The next proof that you're changed.

Your mantra is "I can do this" even if by "doing this" you're simply setting the goal to get through today. To wake up to a tomorrow. To feel comfort in the fog because you know to think clearly would be too harsh of a reality to accept.

And slowly you start to notice the impact the change has made on you as a person. You realize that you're a bigger person. That you believe God not just because you were told to but because at the end of yourself you found He was there. He was the inner Guide and safe Wall encasing your purpose in living. That faith is not just a nice word. That hope is not just an illusion. That trust is not just an idea.

God, faith, hope and trust have become who you are. And you can choose joy because you know that to wait for a blissful happiness, will take an eternity and life is too short to wait for good things to come.

And then you find that you can and will enJOY life fully.

Because Jesus said He brings life, which in and of itself is more than enough, but He goes beyond the necessary and brings abundant life.

To know this is one thing; to live it is another. And trust me: there's a huge difference.

The bottom line is life is confusing, change is hard, growth is painful but people who impact their world do not do it while having an easy life. And the hardships in life do not reflect the proof that you've arrived at a destination; they're only the manifestation that life is a journey. The pain, the suffering, the hurt, the confusion are part of the journey. You don't stay in all that; you move on. You move up. You move forward. You move backward sometimes, yes, but the point is: you don't stay... you MOVE.

You change. You grow. And it's a good thing.  

Tomorrow

It's after 11pm. Dishes from supper still wait to be put in the dishwasher. A pot of spaghetti sauce cools on the stove waiting to be put into jars, tomorrow. The house is littered with stuff. Toys, books, laundryshoesjacketsmoretoys..... it all starts to run together into what feels like one. big. huge. disaster. "I'm gonna clean this place up, tomorrow," I tell myself.

It's after 11pm. Oh wait. I already said that. Worse yet, when I went to type "11" just now, I started with "aleven" because you know, of course, that the "uh" sound is made by "A" at least some of the time.

So I've made it clear that it's after 11pm. Not even an hour before a new day starts. An hour before the whole cycle just picks up and starts all over again.... sleep, wake up, feed small children, cleanwashcookchaseteachwatch..... it all starts to run together into what feels like one. big. huge. disaster exhausting existence.

Each day cycles into another tomorrow. And it feels so meaningless, really.

I'm still working in the kitchen and I grab a clean dish from the dishwasher to put it away and notice it has what has to be paint on it. Dried on, bright pink, undefeated by the dishwasher, paint.

It's only logical to go on a paint hunt when you find paint in your dishwasher that you did not intentionally put there yourself. Especially with a budding artist in the house. So off I went, armed with hesitancy and nervous trepidation.

I'm tired of messes. Of disasters. Of chaos. But, all I found were small fragments of our day (which happened to be a real-winner-of-a Monday) all over the house.

Sitting on the desk was the iPod that Alex has so desperately tried to unlock. The password must be extra complicated because he's always been able to figure out his brother's passwords in the past. Earlier today, Alex sighed and said, "Mom, why can't you give me my own password?" Which was his 5-year-old way of saying, "Seriously Mom, I just want my own electronic gadget that nobody can take from me." Seeing the iPod made me smile. But probably mostly because I didn't take time to smile about it earlier today. I was tired of fighting. And arguing. And picking. It's just a stupid 3x5 piece of metal with a cracked screen. And a password.

I found Janae's paint brush sitting dry and still on the table in the school room. Her book of paper dolls lay silent next to it.

Landon's "iPhone" (ear buds that go into his iPod) lay in a tangled heap on the floor.

A Thomas the Tank Engine back-pack sat face down on the living room floor. Next to it, sat a Husker baseball cap. In an attempt to at least try to tidy up the house before tomorrow, I picked up the back-pack to set it on the couch and a painted rock fell out.

Noodles from supper still cling to the high chair. Korynne's doll and teddy bear lay neglected on the floor. The little air compressor for airing up flat bike tires still sits right outside the front door waiting to be tripped over  for Landon to put it away tomorrow.

Ironman and Spiderman costumes are still stashed back behind the stairway in a heap (where no one thinks Mom will find them) (because Mom, you know, never finds stuff back there) (but hey! at least it bought That Boy Who Stashed Them There some time to, well, NOT have to go out of his way to put something away! SCORE!). I make a mental note to remind the boys to put them away. And by away, I mean, The Real Away. As in, not stashed back behind the stairway.

(Do they not realize that I always find their I'm-not-going-to-put-my-stuff-all-the-way-away-right-now piles that they put there? In the same spot? Back behind the stairway?)

Tomorrow I'm going have to caution tape off that area back behind the stairway explain that I know it's super hard to tell but there's actually a big difference between a toy box and An Empty Area Back Behind The Stairway.

Huge difference.

For starters, one has 4 sides and is in the family room and has the color "blue" all over it.  

Tomorrow I'll lay out consequences for any piles of treasures I find in that stashing area by the stairs. from. now. on. Tomorrow. I'm going to work all these little kinks out and no more Toy Stashing will happen in that spot. These kids aren't going to get away with pulling the wool over their  mother's eyes anymore not putting their toys away.

And then I realize: I always count on tomorrow. Tomorrow will always come and today's endless cycle of existence can transition into tomorrow's endless cycle of existence and some day, some how one of these tomorrows will bring tidy kids who pick up their stuff. And put their stuff away. And get it done. Before tomorrow. Without stashing it behind the stairway.

But when that tomorrow comes, it won't include the little feet. The simple life of kids. The innocence of childhood. It will be a tomorrow that holds no painted rocks. No Thomas the Train backpacks left on the living room floor. No broken iPod to fight over. No plastic paint brush with uneven bristles. No sticky noodles to walk on.

Someday, a tomorrow will come and if adulthood doesn't get these kids of mine, tragedy will. The harsh reality of tomorrow is someday THIS that I have right now, will be over. And nothing will bring it back.

I'm promising myself to make better use of all the today's I have. And tomorrow will be one of those days that makes a difference in it's very own today.

Bring it, Tomorrow! 'Cuz, we're gonna have a good day.