A Home School Mom's Creed

Today was supposed to be our first day of school for 2012. But a certain child was up a lot last night with a fever of 104 and the rest of the kids are loafing around with head aches and body aches. So we'll start tomorrow, as long as everyone is healthy.

I was geared up to start school but with a little trepidation as I thought over the last year of school and particularly our first day of school last year. While looking through my blog drafts, I found I documented that day but never posted it to my blog. I decided to share it today.

The following blog post was originally written on the first day of school for the year 2011 on September 6. Landon was 7, Janae was 6, Alex was 4 and Korynne was 9 months.

I was all set: it was our first day of school for the year.

The kids were excited. I was excited. And I was confident.

I wasn't worried; even though I've never home schooled two 1st graders, entertained a preschooler and nursed a baby all at the same time, I didn't worry about a thing. This was technically our third year of school since we did kindergarten two years in a row. I was used to the routine of school: I knew what I was doing.

Ha.

I was naive. And insane. Completely insane.

I really wasn't prepared for what came next: Home School Burnout Syndrome.

Yep. On the first day of school for the year.

Home School Burnout Syndrome was something that I thought happened when tried to cram too many subjects into one kid at once. Or when you pushed your kid too fast. Or held them back, resulting in a complete disinterest for learning. Or when you got mad and yelled at your kid because they wouldn't grasp a concept. Or when you couldn't figure out how to motivate yourself or your kids with school. Or when school just wasn't fun. Or after a twelve hour day of sitting at the dining room table slowly inching along through a single page of math.

I honestly expected HSBS to hit at least months into the school year, if it was going to hit at all. Like I was thinking maybe years down the road when my over academic 15-year-old decides to take on college level calculus. Or something really extracurricular that is totally out of my league.

Okay. So basically, I thought HSBS was something that happened in a unique set of circumstances. And since I had been home schooled for my entire education and my husband had been home schooled for the last half of his education and since I had been going to home school seminars since my own children were too young to start school and since I had been prepared ahead of time for becoming overwhelmed by curriculum and scheduling and lesson planning and slow learners and ADHD and, and, and... I was NOT prepared for our first day of school.

I thought I was years away from HSBS. Yes. Before today, I was THAT naive.

So, then there's me. The day after Labor Day, jumping belly first into the pool of home schooling. And what a belly flop it was.

It started out with... well.... it didn't start out good.

Somebody kept biting the tip out of their pencil. Yes, out of their pencil.

Somebody else chased a cricket through our schoolroom which absolutely traumatized the Pencil Biting Pupil since crickets are pretty much the epitome of all evilness.

That same Somebody dropped their handful of school stuff in the dirty floor drain off to the side of our schoolroom.

Somebody else argued with the teacher on the math DVD. Yes, the teacher in the TV screen.

A little Somebody got bumped in her johnny-jump-up and didn't appreciate it.

Another Somebody got bumped in the process of the little Somebody getting bumped. They didn't appreciate it either.

Somebody couldn't remember how to count to 20.

Somebody else forgot how to write their numbers correctly.

Somebody tried using fifty million thousand crayons on one little "egg" in their "E is for Egg" page in their phonics.

Somebody broke their pencil. Again. (Lead deficiency anyone?)

Somebody wrinkled their math page up because they didn't want to do it.

Somebody kept trying to slip off to watch a movie.

The little Somebody needed to eat. Really bad.

Somebody totally forgot their numbers places and couldn't say what number "67" was. "Oh I know! Seventy!" was the answer.

Somebody hit their younger sibling.

And I was ready to throw in the towel and say, "Forget it! Grow up and be stupid: I really don't care if you never learn anything."

But I couldn't say that yet; NOT on the first day of school. The first day of FIRST grade! What a way to start out the year and the first of the next twelve years of school.

This whole situation made me sit down and ask myself, "Why in the world are you home schooling your kids, of all the crazy things to do with your life? I mean really, why not take up Driving Off Cliffs or some other completely fatal hobby?" In the moment of frustration and anxiety, I frankly had no answer.

I think I'm just crazy, and that's why I home school, was the only Home School Mother's Creed I could assign to myself.

Or is it because everything in life that's worth having, is something you have to fight for? Is it because things you spend your life, blood, sweat and tears on, are always worth it in the end? Is it because that just because it may be hard now, doesn't make it a bad thing. How many good things in life come on a silver platter with no effort?



Honestly, I didn't have a quick and easy answer to this question. Is it worth it? Is it really worth it? How many people do I know that were raised in public school and turned out to be amazing individuals who are impacting the world? I know a lot. How many home schooled adults do I know that aren't doing anything valuable with their lives? I know a lot of those too.

The answer isn't home schooling or not home schooling. It's simpler than that. The answer is: what is my purpose in life? Is it to have this big agenda called "home schooling" and I surround myself and my kids with people who think about education the same way we do? NO! My purpose in life is to teach my kids to be loving, wise and hardworking people who love to learn. 

The bottom line is: the kind of person I am, I would not be capable of teaching those qualities to my kids if they were going to school away from me everyday. I would slough off in my responsibilities. I would be complacent.

Quite honestly, another person could probably teach my kids their academics far better than I can. I know there are educated people who understand the concepts in my kids curriculum far better than I do. And they'd be able to explain it better too. But are they going to instill the qualities I want my kids to take into their adult life that they would need to learn now? No, probably not.

And not because they don't want to instill those qualities or don't have those qualities themselves. It's because as a school teacher working in a school building teaching dozens of children, they're not my child's parents. They don't live with my child. They don't deal with teaching them gratitude and respectfulness and responsibility and joyfulness and other necessary character qualities on a day in and day out basis. They teach them academics in education because that's their job. That's all they're contracted to do.

And if they were to individually meet the learning needs apart from academics of every child in their classroom, they would never get their school work done for the day. It's that simple because there's not enough time in the day to get all that done with dozens of kids in your classroom. Even the most zealous teacher who wanted to instill extracurricular character training in her students, would be limited by time and resources and uncooperative parents, not to mention the kids who acted like mine random naughty students.

My kids are basically normal kids but in a lot of ways, they need to learn so many things apart from academics. And if they never learn these qualities, they will be nightmare people as adults. They'll be the kind of adults that nobody will want to hire or be around or befriend.

I've met several sweet children who are not home schooled and I highly admired the quality of attitude and perspective these kids have. And then when I watch all the work their parents put into them (even though they send them to school every morning), I know I would not have that self motivation. If I sent my kids off to school everyday, I would be a slacker parent because I would just expect the teacher to fill in the gaps of my parenting.

But by dealing with a Pencil Biting Pupil and a Cricket Chasing Child and a I Will Destroy My Math Page student on a day-to-day basis, I work my butt off to get them to realize that being a bully or a baby or an obnoxious person, is really not in their best interest.

Plus, with as much chaos that ensued from just one of my kids on this particular today (not to mention all 3 kids), the local school principal in our school district would thank me for not sending this child to his school. Really, he would. And all the parents of the other students would be relieved to know their kids are not being influenced by mine. Seriously.

And maybe someday, we'll be at a place in our lives where another form of school besides "home school" will be necessary and acceptable for our family. Until then though, I will home educate my children in all aspects of learning... including the character qualities that teach people not to bite pencil tips off, not to harass other students with crickets and that wrinkling their math pages up in a fury of anger doesn't help anything.

And that is my creed as a home school mom.

Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Moms And Toilets

Wireless technology is a completely phenomenal invention. It's revamped the entire world of technology and brought it to a whole new level. Bottom line, it hasn't just revamped the world of technology; its changed the entire world. Like, the actually globe/earth/universe thingy.

It keeps improving with time too. Connections are getting stronger, information and data is transferring faster and gadgets and machines are getting smaller and more accessible.

And all without wires. It's like a if-you-can-imagine-it-it-already-happened miracle taking place all over your home, your car, your work place, your world, the world, everywhere, etc.

But unlike cellphones and computers and iPods and other such electronic devices, there's another superb wireless invention far exceeding every contemporary invention accommodating wireless technology known to mankind.

The wireless signals it sends out are similar to a blazing SOS signal off the east coast that's directly sent to the New York Police Department office building, but no one can see it with a naked eye. It's like a silent fire alarm that's just as effective as any ear piercing alarm. It's like an alarm clock that goes off in your ear and hitting snooze only makes it louder. It's like a loud cry for help, right outside your bedroom window at 3 o'clock in the morning. It's like an annoying telephone that rings constantly with no voice mail. It's like a school bell going off but it doesn't stop so you can enjoy recess without a screaming alarm blasting your playground. It's like the panic button on your key pad for your car but there's no way to trace the sound because it's all between your ears.

This special wireless signal is set at the highest form of intricate communication and is more lock tight than the CIA's codes. The Secret Service has nothing on this. It's password protected with an unlock able code and all of mankind could not break the code and reroute the signal even if every ounce of gold and energy was put into the research for this development. This is stealth to a whole new level.

If you doubt my analysis here, just try being a mom who uses the bathroom for 27 seconds. You'll become very familiar with this amazing Super-Micro Wireless Signal system connected to your toilet.

As soon as your fanny hits the seat, a loud and obnoxious alarm will go off somewhere inside your children's heads. Then, the entire household is put on "Disengage and Destroy Now" mode.

 Problems, kids, injuries, questions, phone calls. bored kids and fights will come out of no where as soon as you sit down on what you think is just a boring white toilet. When nature calls, so does the wireless system on your toilet.

It screams, "Quick kids! Run to the bathroom door! Pound on it like you're locked in a cage! Fight with your brother and annoy your sister! Push the baby over and start shoving stuff under the door! Quick! Before your mom comes out! Be louder! Fight meaner! You're starving; beg for food! You're going to die if you don't get your mom out of that bathroom now!"

And so the kids come running and pounding and screaming in a panic. "MOM! What are you doing in there? How long will you be? What's taking so long? Is it number one or number two or number one and number two? Are you done yet? Seriously, what are you doing in there?"

Really. You'd think I just booked a ticket to the North Pole and told everyone I was going to wear my bathing suit the whole time. "No need to panic folks; I'm just in the bathroom doing what normal people do in the bathroom. It's called "peeing." Ever heard of peeing? In privacy? Which is why I'm here and you're out there because this is just what normal people do, right? Please, for 27 seconds, I'll be in here and when I'm done, there's only one way out of here which will be right out to where you guys are. It's not like I'm sneaking out of the house in here or anything. So let me pee and I'll be right out."

To answer all their questions takes longer than 27 seconds to answer. They have yet to know that if they'd just leave their mom alone, she could be out faster. In say, like, 26 seconds.

Never underestimate what will appear under the bathroom door in the midst of their interrogation. Notes, wrapped candy, pictures, locked iPads, markers, mail, money, food, fingers and toes, just to name a few, are liable to make their way under the bathroom door. Secret passage ways open up when this wireless connection is activated and things that normally couldn't fit in such a small area, will easily fit under the bathroom door as long as a mother is on the toilet.

And oh. my. gosh. if you ever wondered if your kids could sit still in one spot for very long, just go to the bathroom. They will plant themselves on the other side of the door and just sit there. And sit there. Quietly. Except when they're injecting notes of complaints involving how bored they are, how  mean their brother is, how sad the baby is in the other room, how they're pretty sure the phone is ringing and could they please go to the park now.

And then after they've given you a run down of everything happening in your 27 second absence, they continue to sit there. And all you hear is them breathing, and you wish they'd just stop breathing but then you realize that wouldn't be good either so you don't say anything about them breathing and you keep hearing dramatic exhales and inhales which is really annoying because you wonder why they're just sitting there, of all places in the universe to be sitting. Like really? You think I'm going to perform this whole bathroom process faster if you're sitting by the bathroom door making sure I can hear you breathing while you just sit there for the sake of sitting there? Go play with a toy like a normal kid or lay in your bed or sit on the couch or do something but forcryingoutloud get away from the bathroom door for 27 seconds and for Pete's sakes, STOP BREATHING!

Corresponding peaceable with your children on the other side of the bathroom door will not relieve the situation either. Simply put, the longer you stay on the toilet side of the bathroom door, the worse it gets on the other side of the bathroom door. The distress signal just gets louder over the wireless connection and prompts your kids to propel into a higher form of disaster. The only thing that will calm the situation and stop the signal is to complete a simple 3 step process. Which is as follows:

1 -- Flush the toilet (it sends another signal to your kids that you have just began The 3 Step Process Of Leaving The Bathroom. Usually, they get really quiet at this point.)
2 -- Open the door (be cautious of an impending stampede, depending on how many of your kids are leaning on the door.)
3 -- Leave the bathroom (basically, as fast as you can. Without stepping on small children or tripping over objects that were shoved under the bathroom door in your 27 second visit to the toilet.)

The more space you put between yourself and the toilet, the quieter the signal will become which in turn creates quieter kids. Suddenly, all will be at peace in your world and just as fast as the drama began, it stops. All at once. Right then. At that exact moment. That you walk out the bathroom door.

It's like blowing a candle out. Poof. The chaos is gone. Completely.

No one's starving anymore. No one got hit by their brother. The baby is fine. No body is dying. And absolutely not one person is bored.

They're all happy and playful and enjoying the day and doing normal kid stuff. Like playing with toys and breathing normal again.

But if you were to turn around and go back in and sit on the toilet, all the problems will come back, like, right now. So stay out of the bathroom. Control that urge to go! Keep your hands off the bathroom lock. Avoid the temptation of solitude. And just learn to stop peeing already.

Statistics show that it's more common for women to get UTI's than it is for men. Clearly, we all understand why that is now. The truth is, if this wireless connection could be disabled, Moms everywhere would be relieved (in more ways than one).

If moms could pee in peace, universally we'd see health care costs would go down, health in general would go up, and all would be well in the world, like the actually world/earth thingy. Peece on earth has to start somewhere and by golly, I think it starts in the bathroom because legend has it research shows that, "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

Seriously, you try going to the bathroom for 27 seconds while listening to a small person breathing and fighting and starving right outside your bathroom door and let's see how happy you'd be. And if you don't want to go through all that, just get a bladder infection instead.

It's a lose lose situation, no matter how you look at it.

Beetles, Locks, Mondays and Alex

It had been an uneventful day. Which is saying a lot, considering it was a Monday. Yeah, one of the kids had committed graffiti-type behavior on a closet door but that had been corrected. And every toy (it seemed) had been scattered throughout the house but that had been corrected as well. Overall, it had been a peaceful morning.

Which is saying a lot, considering it was a Monday.

And then, I used the bathroom. Which is always a phenomenal moment. Because no matter what is going on in our house, the minute the bathroom lock is activated, something happens. And that "something" that happens is usually different every time.

But today takes the cake.

I heard a polite knock on the door and then the raspy voice of my 4-year-old Alex.

"Mom? When you come out, can you make some meat for my pet beetle?"

Pet beetle? Meat for a beetle? What's going on?

The pet beetle that didn't even exist before I went into the bathroom. The pet beetle now living in the "tarantula's cave" (as Alex calls our deceased tarantula's aquarium.) The pet beetle that's hungry for meat.

I guess my Monday has taken a twist, now that I have to make meat for my son's beetle.

Why does stuff like this only happen on Monday?

You Sacrifice It All For Them: Even Your Toothbrush

I should've known that toothpaste streaked all over the clean mirror, smeared on the clean sink and trailing stickily down the glass shower doors wasn't the only evilness being committed to my bathroom during bedtime.

Come to find out, that's probably the least of my issues with bedtime and teeth brushing routines now that I know the real story.

Let me just say that if you ever notice that your tooth brush is wet and it's been hours since you brushed your teeth last and if you notice that there's a taste of juvenile toothpaste on your toothbrush and you normally use a more mature minty toothpaste, consider yourself fairly warned.

Because then if you randomly notice one of the children that live in your house, actually using your toothbrush like it's the normal thing to do, don't be shocked or surprised or devastated when you ask the said child who has violated your toothbrush WHY on God's green earth they would be compelled to use YOUR toothbrush when this is America and there's enough toothbrushes for everyone to have their very own toothbrush, you hear this sensible reasoning:

"I couldn't find my toothbrush so I decided to use yours."

I gave my body (including the precious enamel on my teeth) to nourish and carry and birth her and now she takes my toothbrush.

What next?